( October 21, 2006 , The night we met.)
One can be such a daydreamer. There are times when I daydream so much I wonder if I was actually sleeping and I was just dreaming.
I've always gotten so lost in daydreaming. Always wishing and wanting. Wanting to go back and time and change things. Or hitting the lotterey ( or something like that) and having things be so much better for everyone.
The biggest one I seem to do though is the go back in time. I go back in time alot. I relive my life so many times. I make things better , DO better. When I come back to reality though I think to myself " Do you REALLY wish that ?" . I get scared. I think to myself "if" I were to go back in time I would be scared to actually change things. Why? Because of my beautiful family that I have now. I've thought of this alot , and I would go through and endure all the good and bad all over again just to have what I have now.
For safety reasons I sometimes dream of dating Mark all over again. Then I get scared and think well maybe we wouldnt have married when we did , or maybe we would have waited to have kids , and would that mean having different kids?
There are so many different angles you have to worry about when daydreaming of changing the past. I just now woke up from a 48 min daydream. I put the kids down for a nap and couldnt fall asleep , so instead I let my mind wander.
There were so many things going through my mind. I was going crazy at the time the kids were going to sleep. I was thinking alot of negative, like not having ANY resolutions , not unpacking two suitcases, not being out of the house ALL WEEK. I was just feeling like crap. So it lead me to thinking about the crap I'm going to give Mark once he walks in the door, why? I dont know. Instead I starting day dreaming about meeting Mark all over again. It was such an intense real daydream it was as if in that 48 min I lived a whole 3 years all over again. Fell into such a deep love , well that day dream was amazing. Now sitting here , I'm still recovering from falling in love. Also a little sad that I will have my tired husband walk in the door that felt the same about me as he did this morning. LOL. Not the head over heals, in shape , tanned, active, no worries ( well not completely "no worries" if you know Mark), funny man I fell in love with.
Now am I saying that I'm not with the man I married. Not really. It's the same man , just with kids... a dog... me... a masters program... Now thats alot that can hinder you from being a carefree person. I love him though. More and more and differently everyday. Now that I think about I now remember why I started day dreaming about him. He turns 27 on the 22nd. I was thinking that I am now 24 and he was 24 when we married. I still feel so young and unaccomplished , but he was so ahead in life and seemed older. Now that I'm 24 it just doesnt seem that old.
